Disassembling Toxic Shame

toxic shame

Toxic shame is a big topic that has little understanding among the general public.

It runs deep within a person and most often, they don’t even know that toxic shame is the reason behind their way of relating to themselves and the world around them.

Toxic shame thrives in the dark. It wants to be left alone and untampered with. It doesn’t want you shining any lights of consciousness on it because when you do, the toxic shame starts to dissipate since it was never based on any foundation of truth to begin with.

Toxic shame is false shame. It's a shame that has no basis in reality but the person who carries it feels defined by it.

Everyone experiences shame differently and there are varying levels of toxic shame as well, but overall toxic shame of any kind causes common symptoms and dysfunction within a person.

Here are some possible signs that you are carrying toxic shame

People pleasing; trying to control others' perceptions of you.
Depression; in reality, it’s the presence of toxic shame eating away at a person.
Perfectionism; if you’re not perfect or don’t do everything perfectly, you’re a complete failure.
Disgust with self, high feelings of guilt, easily humiliated.
Addiction (sexual, substance, gambling - anything that further feeds the shame).
Feels the need to be secretive; if others “find out” about you, they won’t love you.
Codependency; feeling responsible for everyone’s problems, feelings and experiences.
Anxiety (this can manifest as seemingly unrelated physical symptoms like IBS)
Self-sabotaging; never letting yourself get too successful or happy because on deep levels, you don’t believe you deserve it.
Defensiveness; always feeling the need to protect the image you want others to see.
Destructive habits (sexual, physical, emotional) that cause the person to relive the toxic shame over and over again
Toxic shame clouds a person’s entire perspective not only about themselves, but about the world around them and how others are perceiving them.
Most people don’t even realise they have toxic shame, so they aren’t aware that so many of their beliefs and perspectives are the result of the shame they internalised long ago.
It essentially creates a feeling of deep pain that is stuffed away, and yet, the pain is relived in many ways for the person on an ongoing basis.
Even though the person usually avoids thinking about the shame, it envelops everything they think, do and believe. It colours the lenses that they use to see the world.

Holistically Healing from Toxic Shame

It’s like a shadow that’s right over their shoulder, always present in the dark recesses, triggering them in different ways throughout the day.

It creates a vulnerable, shaky foundation within a person. They don’t ever fully relax or let their guard down. They might believe they’re being authentic, but there is always a veil that is hiding the shame and keeping it safe from view.

The very first step in healing toxic shame is shining the light on it, and in order to do that, you need to know what corner it’s hiding in. Here’s a clue: you know where it is. Maybe not concretely or with certainty, but your gut points you in the right direction right away, so don’t doubt yourself.

What’s the first memory you have of feeling shame? What’s the thing that you don’t tell others? What memory do you immediately turn away from? Even if it’s been repressed, you have a sense of when and where the toxic shame was handed to you. It doesn’t need to be completely dug up with all the worms, but shining the light in the general direction is actually extremely healing.

Healing The Shame That Binds You

This is not just a recovery book. Among other things, it is a classic book on identifying and working through unresolved family issues. By: John Bradshaw

I Thought It Was Just Me

Making the Journey from What Will People Think? to I Am Enough By: Brené Brown

The Body Keeps The Score

Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma. by Bessel Van Der Kolk

Don't Believe Everything You Feel

A CBT Workbook to Identify Your Emotional Schemas and Find Freedom from Anxiety and Depression By: Robert L. Leahy

The goal is not to go back and relive the shame, but to make the connection that the shame has caused an incorrect perspective into everything that you are. Connect it to the painful behaviour. The painful behaviour is the way in which you subconsciously re-live the toxic shame over and over again.

Why would you do this? Because toxic shame actually becomes similar to a safety blanket. When a vibration is activated, it attracts similar situations, people and events that make the person feel that feeling over and over again, until it’s changed.

Shame is a vibration. When you’ve had this vibration running on low levels in the background of your being for most of your life, it’s a familiar feeling that makes you feel safe. It’s why we see people going from one toxic relationship to the next, because for as long as the vibration is active within them, they will continue to attract it back into their lives on many different levels.

All you need to do is simply make the connection between these behaviours and the toxic shame. This is so powerful because the behaviour has you believing that the lie that the toxic shame tells you on a daily basis is real .

Questioning the lie begins a gradual and progressive process of eroding away and even transmuting the toxic shame.